We’ve all heard that good communication is one cornerstone of a strong relationship–but we don’t ever really learn how to communicate.
In this post, I’m going to talk about nonviolent communication for couples, which is a communication framework that is so simple, yet powerful and effective.
I’m going to focus on how you can use this framework to strengthen your relationship and improve your communication with your partner. So let’s get into it!
What is nonviolent communication (NVC)?
Developed by psychologist Marshall Rosenberg, NVC is a framework that helps you express yourself honestly and listen without judgment. It also emphasizes communicating your needs.
Learning to communicate nonviolently is like traveling the route less taken in your relationships. It’s definitely not how I was used to communicating, but once I started using it in my own relationship, I noticed the benefits immediately!
The four parts of nonviolent communication for couples
Rosenberg describes the NVC framework as four steps.
1. Observe — notice what’s happening without judgment.
2. Express feelings — identify and express how you feel in that moment.
3. State your needs — understand what needs are at the root of your feelings and say what they are..
4. Make a request — Ask for a clear and specific request from your partner.
It sounds simple, but this is actually pretty hard to do in practice! But let’s go through each step together so you can start practicing in your relationship.
1. Observe
This is the first step of nonviolent communication for couples — and often the hardest part too. It’s easy to observe what’s happening in the moment, but what often comes out of our mouths is judgment rather than an objective observation.
Let’s imagine an argument where your partner keeps talking over you.
It’s tempting to say, “You keep being rude”, which is a judgment.
Instead, you might say, “You’ve interrupted me twice while I was talking”, which is an observation.
Difference between an observation and a judgment
Notice how the first statement criticizes the other person. When people feel criticized, their natural response is to defend themselves—shifting the focus of the conversation away from the actual issue.
When we focus on neutral observations, we give others the chance to understand our perspective attacking them. It’s difficult, but makes a big difference.
Next time you’re feeling annoyed during an argument, pause and reflect on what’s happening: what is your partner saying or doing that’s bothering you?
Remember, you want to express your annoyance as an observation and not a judgment!
2. Express Your Feelings
Once you’ve observed what happened, the next step is talking about how you feel.
If you’re anything like me, talking about your emotions is hard. Most of us were never taught how to identify our emotions, let alone express them, but it’s an essential skill in nonviolent communication for couples.
Instead of saying, “I feel hurt,” we might say, “I feel like you don’t care.” The feeling behind both statements is the same, but the first is actually expressing an emotion while the latter is an interpretation.
Feelings vs Interpretations
Here are more examples of how you can express a feeling rather than making an interpretation.
- “You never listen to me.” → “I feel frustrated when you’re on your phone and I’m talking.”
- “You don’t care about me anymore.” → “I feel sad because we didn’t go on any dates this month.”
- “I feel like I’m doing all the work.” → “I feel overwhelmed with all the chores lately.”
Notice how the first statements are interpretations, and don’t actually reveal how someone is feeling about the situation. They also involve judgments of the other person.
“You never listen to me” implies someone is inconsiderate–and it’s easy for the other person to react with “What do you mean I never listen to you?”
The interpretations often involve absolute language, such as never, all, and always, which tends to exaggerate and distort reality.
Examples of words that express emotions
Here’s a list of words that you can use to help express what you’re really feeling.
Sadness: disappointed, lonely, discouraged, hopeless, down, hurt
Fear: anxious, worried, uneasy, uncertain, insecure, vulnerable, nervous, overwhelmed, afraid
Anger: annoyed, irritated, resentful, furious, offended, mad, impatient, angry, frustrated
Shame: embarrassed, regretful, humiliated, ashamed, self-conscious, uneasy, guilty
Exhaustion:exhausted, weary, unmotivated, restless, numb, unfulfilled, burnt out, tired, drained
Clearly expressing your feelings not only helps your partner understand where you’re coming from; it also sets you up for the next part of nonviolent communication for couples: stating your needs.
3. State Your Needs
Behind every negative emotion is usually an unmet need.
Frustration might come from a need for understanding.
Anger often points to a need for respect or fairness.
Sadness might come from a need for closeness.
If you’re new to nonviolent communication for couples, then this step might feel foreign and uncomfortable, but it’s super important!
Identifying and expressing your needs helps your partner understand how they can support you.
Because in the end, that’s what we all want—to feel seen, understood, and cared for. When you clearly communicate your needs, you give your partner the chance to show up for you in the way you need.
We’ve already talked about how to make a neutral observation and express our feelings; now we have to state our needs.
Example
“It’s so annoying because you’re always late” → “When you’re late, I feel disrespected because I value punctuality.”
“I feel like I’m doing all the work.” → “I feel overwhelmed and resentful because I have a need for fairness when it comes to the chores.”
I know stating your needs like this can feel scripted and formal, but these are just examples. It’s up to you to use whatever language you feel like, as long as you’re keeping the conversation centered around your feelings and needs.
You’ve made it this far–good job! We’re on the last step of nonviolent communication for couples, which is to make a request.
4. Make a request (not a demand)
You’ve expressed what’s happening, how you feel, and what you need; now the last step is to make a request.
This is where communication can break down, because we tend to make demands rather than requests.
Compare these two staements:
“God, you’re never paying attention. You need to listen to me.”
“It’s important for me to have your undivided attention right now. Would you be willing to put your phone down while we talk?”
In this example, the person talking is feeling frustrated because their partner isn’t focused on the conversation. When they make the first statement, it’s not clear what they want. What does “listen to me” actually mean?
The first statement is unclear and invites resistance. Someone could easily respond with, “I am listening”.
But the second statement makes it absolutely clear what you want: undivided attention and no phones during the conversation.
And it gives the other person a choice, which shows respect and a desire to connect, rather than control.
Putting it all together
Let’s go through one last example and put it all together now.
We’ll imagine that our partner cancels plans at the last minute, and it’s not the first time they’ve done this. Here’s how we can use NVC to talk it through.
Observe: “You texted me an hour before dinner to cancel.”
Feel: “I felt disappointed and a little hurt.”
Need: “It’s important to me that we have quality time, and I also want my time to be respected.”
Request: “Would you let me know earlier next time if you can’t make it?”
See how that feels different from: “You’re so unreliable — can you just not be flaky next time?”
Congrats on making this far! You’ve reached the end of nonviolent communication for couples.
The easy part was reading this post, now comes the hard part–putting in practice.
Conclusion
Practicing nonviolent communication isn’t easy—it takes patience, awareness, and a willingness to be vulnerable. In the moment, it can feel uncomfortable to open up and share your emotions and needs, but it’s worth it.
Over time, this kind of communication builds trust and strengthens your relationship. You’ll begin to feel more connected and better understand each other too.
Choosing this path is definitely going down the route less taken, and that will make all the difference.
